Opinion: Pumpkins are great, but can feel like a press-gang
© Adobe Stock Press-ganging was banned in 1815, but somehow I still found myself coerced into service on the potential future in-laws’ pumpkin patch last year.
The farming media is sometimes guilty of portraying diversification as a goldmine.
Far from being a license to print money, starting an enterprise like this brings on a whole heap of issues you never imagine you’d have to deal with.
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It all starts in the spring, choosing the correct pumpkin varieties for the right clientele and climate.
You’ll have to know your Knuckle Head from your Fat Max.
Which is a thick-skinned pumpkin, good for lying in a wet field till the back-end of October, and which of the cute wee midget pumpkins will sell to the Instagram mums who are busy curating a cute autumnal display for their toddler’s photo shoot.
Starting them off in pots under a polytunnel and remembering to water them the right amount while flying around doing the actual farming will either have you up early or out late at night.
You’ll find yourself laying awake in bed trying to remember if you shut the polytunnel door as that late May frost is due tonight.
When you eventually get them in the ground, life doesn’t get any easier – you’d better find a good way to irrigate them in case of a dry spell.
Although that would keep away any yield-killing mildew and mould, which is probably the more likely threat.
If you’ve made it this far and you have pumpkins the size of houses, relax, you’ve only got the general public to deal with now.
If you want to save a shred of your sanity, time slot and ticket each day for the customers. They might still all turn up at once and park everywhere, but at least you tried to be organised.
Resist the temptation to use electric fences and a dog that nips ankles to marshal customers around – and ignore any complaints about white trainers getting muck on them.
Somehow, the kids are usually better dressed for the howling October weather than the adults in Ugg boots and open-toed heels.Â
You’ll have to organise caterers and staff to help sell pumpkins, park cars and field any queries. And if you run out of food to offer visitors, stress levels will reach new heights.
Most men in a relationship should be used to saying sorry when they don’t mean it – and that skill is critical here as, however great your offering, there could still be one or two complaints.
Google reviews really matter, though, so be uber nice.
Like any self-respecting Scotsman, I maintain that a neep (that’s a turnip for everyone south of Hadrian’s wall) is the only thing that should be carved for Halloween, and I wince at the Americanisation of our culture.
However, pumpkins aren’t just a passing fad and are definitely here to stay.
They’ve created a whole autumnal industry we didn’t even know we needed and offer a great opportunity for farmers ahead of those that Christmas might bring along.
It’s also perhaps the only time some people will actually set foot on a real farm, so it’s not just about Halloween – it’s a platform to educate them about all things food and farming, as well as sending them home with locally grown veg and bringing in a new source of revenue to the farm.
Tell me that’s not good for farming?