Will’s World: Inaugural Farmer Olympics off to flying start
© Richard Stanton There now follows a special report from correspondent Will Evans at the inaugural Farmer Olympics 2024.
Unless you’ve been living in a cave, you’ll be aware that the first Farmer Olympics has just taken place in the heart of rural Britain.
See also: How Essex farmer adapted one cultivator to do four jobs
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The event began with a lavish opening ceremony as teams of farmers from every country on earth paraded through the stadium on trailers pulled by a variety of tractors. Team GB were proudly led by their captain, Kaleb Cooper.
Tens of thousands of fans roared them on in the stadium, while record-breaking millions from around the world watched the event on TV.
The parade was followed by a musical performance for the ages by the Wurzels, with a few variety boxes of fireworks, bought from a local agricultural supplier, let off afterwards.
The athletes then converged on the beer tent for a good old-fashioned piss-up.
Rubber rounds
The games themselves began the next morning, with the hotly contested Throwing Tyres Onto a Silage Pit taking centre stage.
It was a good day for the South Africans, who took gold in the team event, just edging the Canadians into Silver by gaining a bonus point from the judges.
On their last throw they managed to land the tyre just right so that it soaked the opposition in stagnant water.
The Kenyans triumphed in the Jumping Out of the Truck and Dashing to Close the Gate Before the Cattle Get Through, gaining team and individual golds.
A popular silver medal went to British dairy farmer John Smith, who showed an admirable turn of pace in his shorts and Dunlop wellies before heading straight home for afternoon milking.
There had been huge anticipation for the Clear and Stack a Field of Bales the Fastest, an event traditionally dominated by the Americans with their massive machines.
But in the shock upset of the Games, Scottish arable farmer Mary McDonald took gold, later putting her famous victory down to the notoriously short weather windows in her native country and the resulting need to get straw in the shed quickly.
She proceeded with delight to spray Irn-Bru all over her fellow competitors during the riotous celebrations that followed.
There was controversy in the Fencing when Brazil were narrowly beaten by the Germans thanks to a misplaced staple.
Meanwhile in the Catching an Errant Sheep event it was victory for Australia as Shane Hooper claimed gold, impressing the judges with his acrobatic efforts and gaining bonus points for his inventive swearing technique.
The plot darkens
The hottest ticket in town was for one of the flagship events of the Games: Match-ploughing. Conversation in the build-up was all about the rivalry between the two great gold medal hopes, Great Britain and Ireland.
In the end, after a tense and drawn-out judging process, it was a sensational win for the Irish, whose ploughed plot was as dark and smooth as a freshly poured pint of Guinness.
Some of the most jubilant scenes of the games happened today, as competitors lined up for the Sheep Shearing.
A large contingent of Welsh fans cheered loudly as national heroes Dai Woolman and Sian Shears secured famous victories in their respective competitions. They’ll be partying on the streets of Llareggub tonight.
Earlier there had been discontent in the Farm Olympic Village as they ran out of steaks, eggs and beer for the athletes – which, as everyone surely knows, is the breakfast of champions.
But despite the odd setback, organisers have vowed to be back with an even bigger and better games in New Zealand 2028.