Will’s World: Fake meat is giving me a ‘Brad’ feeling

As a child of the 1980s who loved science-fiction movies, I could only dream of the astounding technology that would be available to us by the time I grew up.

I felt certain that humans would have solved the world’s problems by then, and we’d all be living in peace and harmony. And if that didn’t quite work out, at the very least I’d have a hoverboard to travel around on, as predicted in Back to the Future Part II.

See also: Is lab-grown meat a threat to traditional livestock farming?

Instead, not content with overthrowing democracy as we know it in the western world with their mind-blowingly out-of-control corporate greed, our new tech-nerd overlords are seemingly hell-bent on designing AI systems that will before long destroy the arts and all human creativity.

They’re also rushing to build and market humanoid battle robots, which are almost certainly going to murder us all at some point in the near future, anyway.

This is why I won’t entertain having an Alexa in the house – I’ve watched The Terminator too many times to fall for that one, man. Meet at our farmyard when it all kicks off – the resistance starts there. Take it from me: no one can break technology like the present Mrs Evans.

If the C.R.A.P fits…

But there’s something even more harrowing than humanity being wiped out by merciless machines, and of course the evil tech-nerds are all over it.

They’ve secured billions from wolfish venture capitalists to get this insidious product off the ground and into each of our homes.

Yes, it’s lab-grown meat. But I refuse to call this most ultra-processed of ultra-processed gloop that – it isn’t meat, after all, no matter how many clever men in white coats or slimy marketing executives try to tell us it is.

Instead, I’ve come up with an acronym: Counterfeit Rubbish Alternative Protein – or C.R.A.P.

Apparently, the geniuses at the Food Standards Agency are looking at how they can speed up the approval process for C.R.A.P. It’s already available in dog food in the UK, and it could be on sale for human consumption within two years.

The government, bless them, is keen for C.R.A.P firms to thrive because it hopes they can create new jobs and boost economic growth.

Yes, you read that correctly. If you were still clinging to a single shred of confidence in the strategy of our current not-so glorious leaders, you aren’t anymore.

Steakholders

Proponents of C.R.A.P will undoubtably reply with a patronising, “Ah, but you’re biased, being a livestock farmer. You’re just worried about your own livelihood.”

Well first, Mr Tech Nerd – I expect you’re probably called something like “Brad” – I’ve always prided myself on being able to look at a situation objectionably.

If I believed for one second that C.R.A.P was being promoted from some grand philanthropic place, where feeding the world’s starving or solving globa warming was the number one priority, I could perhaps be convinced.

But you know that isn’t the case, Brad.

The truth is that you want to seize the means of food production from family farms and make billions for yourselves and your investors.

You don’t give two hoots about the decimation of rural societies around the world – or whether C.R.A.P is actually safe for humans to eat in the long-term.

Second, I’m not worried about my livelihood in the slightest, as nobody – nobody – wants to eat C.R.A.P. People just want proper meat.

Don’t just take my word for it, listen to last week’s Farmer’s Weekly Podcast, in which world nutrition expert Julian Mellentin confidently stated that “lab-grown meat is going to be the biggest failure in food history”.

Put that on your C.R.A.P and chips, Brad.