9 of the funniest life lessons from working in farming

From navigating water-drenched and mud-covered fields to tackling mischievous animals and quirky characters, working in farming will always have its challenges.

No matter how much experience you may have, or how much equipment you arm yourself with, sometimes you just won’t see what’s on the horizon.

Farmers Weekly asked the industry’s advisers for their most memorable life lessons from the course of their careers and this was the result – perhaps more of a crash course in what NOT to do.

See also: Christmas jokes: 10 cracking farming one-liners

Hammer and tongs tour

I had arrived in the yard to provide a quote for the instruction of the sale of a small farm. The owner came out while I was still putting on my coat and wellies.

Momentarily distracted in my eagerness to greet him, I could only watch out of the corner of my eye as the hatchback door descended, leaving my car keys on the boot floor.

After making a tour of the farm as planned, I asked if I could borrow a hammer. I did not have time, I explained, to wait for outside help, as that would make me late for a very important stag do.

I was lucky enough to receive the instruction.

Guy Coggrave, managing director, GSC Grays

Tripped up thrice by Twig

Possibly my most embarrassing “what I have learned and will never do again” is to never let my Jack Russell off the lead when doing a farm inspection with a client. 

She took off after a rabbit. I had to apologise to the client and hand him my clipboard, and it took me over an hour of running (probably close to five miles!) to catch dear Twig.

Having said I would never do it again, I did not learn my lesson and it happened twice more, including with a group of trainee surveyors – it was apparently the most memorable part of my presentation, seeing me haring off down Bredon Hill after Twig!  What a dog.

Jason Beedell, director and head of research, Strutt & Parker

Shrewd farmer proffers Super Lube

I have learned not to boast too much of my farming credentials. As a land agent, I often feel compelled to persuade farming clients that I know my way around a farm and have had some practical experience of being at the dirty end of a pitchfork.

A couple of years ago I found myself on a farm during lambing. I was waxing lyrical about my time at agricultural college and specifically about working with sheep.

I was really selling the idea that I was a particularly competent stockman and had spent many long hours during the night keeping watch during lambing and had become a dab hand at assisting ewes with a difficult birthing.

My audience seemed greatly impressed with my heroic tales of singlehandedly delivering twin lambs but, as PG Wodehouse once observed, “unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove”.

A short while later, while touring the sheep pens, my comeuppance appeared in the form of a distressed ewe that was clearly in the latter stages of pregnancy.

My host, with a wry smile which conveyed in an instant that he thought my tales had more in common with the stuff cattlemen spread on the land, exclaimed with all the faux sincerity he could muster that it was providence that must have brought me to his farm that day and would I please help his poor ewe.

I stammered that I was a bit rusty and college days were some years ago now. He was unmoved and merely held out the shoulder-length gloves and pointed in the direction of the Super Lube.

I couldn’t very well refuse after what I had said before, so had no choice but to proceed. I began to don proffered glove and lubricant.

The old devil waited until the moment I had knelt down in the soiled straw with gloved hand poised at the business end of his ewe before telling me that his shepherd had arrived and with it my reprieve.

I caught a knowing grin between the two as I extricated myself from the pen and hurriedly made my excuses and left. What I have never done since is underestimate the shrewdness of a farmer!

Duncan Slade, country farms manager, Norfolk County Farms

See also: 5 things we know about the 2018 farmland market

Where did I leave my chopper?

When selling large residential properties with land in remote parts of the country, it can be expected that the occasional potential purchaser will arrive by helicopter.

On this occasion the potential purchaser called ahead saying he would be landing at 11.30am and would require a white dinner plate placing on the front lawn so he knew where to land.

No dinner plate could be found but an upside-down notepad did the job.

We were hoping for James Bond, but instead we got Johnny English. The landing was smooth, and the viewing began, but unfortunately so did the rain.

We left him to have a look round while we undertook other viewings, and several hours later the helicopter had still not departed.

The gentleman came to find us and asked if we could book him a B&B for the night as there was no way he could fly the helicopter in the weather.

So a B&B was booked, the helicopter was sheeted down and he was dropped off at the local B&B for the night with a set of particulars and clear instructions on how to get back to the property.

The following day my mobile rang, and it was a very confused man wondering where he had parked his chopper!

Anita Riggall, land agent, Brown & Co

Pride and joy stuck in the mud

Following a very wet autumn in September 2017, my colleague, a Newcastle University graduate, decided he would treat himself to a new Land Rover Freelander 4×4 to make his agronomy crop walking somewhat easier. 

However, on his first significant venture to inspect some crops, the 4×4 was found to be of little use in what was effectively a lake. 

Embarrassingly for this new graduate, he had to telephone the emergency services in the guise of the local contractor to pull his beloved pride and joy out by the tow bar onto terra firma. 

Not only was my colleague hugely embarrassed, his pride and joy was no longer gleaming. Needless to say, he has walked from the gateway ever since.

Matthew Curry, head of farming, Morpeth, Strutt & Parker

See also: 21 signs that it’s Christmas on the farm

Bring your own cup

What I’ve learned is to fear the worst if a farmer advises bringing your own cup when you suggest dropping in for a coffee. 

Having been engaged in advising a farmer on a tricky situation by telephone for several weeks, I thought it would be a good idea to drop in for a coffee en route to another meeting. 

When I suggested this plan to the farmer he said: “That’s great, but do bring your own cup”.  I laughed, but he didn’t.

A couple of weeks later, I found myself driving through a narrow river of mud that doubled as a farm track, passing various bits of abandoned machinery and old cars left where they had obviously broken down over the years. 

I arrived at a pair of semi-detached cottages, of which only one and a half remained – the left-hand one having suffered a collapse to one side, exposing the interior of the cottage, complete with bedroom furniture. 

This included an open doored wardrobe with various items of moss-laden lady’s clothing hanging within.

Looking through the entrance of the other cottage and wondering how we might navigate past the large amount of machinery bits, newspaper stacks and general junk blocking our way to the darkened interior, the farmer asked if he should boil some water for our drinks, sporting a large rusty frying pan. 

We held the meeting outside and I decided to pass on the coffee!

George Dunn, chief executive, Tenant Farmers Association

Measuring water with a wheel

In selling a parcel of land for a client, we had to mark out several boundaries across numerous fields. The only problem with this was that the majority of this field was under water – you’ll remember last winter.

The deadline for an exchange was the day before Christmas Eve and the solicitors were leaving matters to the last minute (no surprise there then!).

In the midst of pouring rain, a colleague and I went out as the day drew to a close to calculate various boundaries of the fields.

I had to give our trusted measuring wheel a thorough “road test” or should I say “a swim”!

Fortunately it all worked out well and the sale went through – a good Christmas present for our client.

Richard Nocton, partner, Woolley & Wallis

See also: The land market where you live: East of England

Snoring summary

Two of the Edinburgh-based farms and estates team were invited to go and visit a farm run by three brothers. 

On arrival, one of the brothers accompanied the Savills pair around the farm so they could see what it entailed.

Following the inspection, the pair were invited to pitch to the three brothers to talk through their thoughts on value and the sales process.

It suddenly became evident that the youngest of the three brothers had nodded off and could be heard snoring.

Fortunately the Savills pair won the instruction and went on to sell the farm.

Louise Rose, PR manager, Savills

Close-knit community

I was involved in a discussion to acquire a piece of land and duly turned up at the farm to carry out the negotiation.

It being December, there was a lovely spread laid out with tea and Christmas cake. The negotiation was positive and friendly, but rambled on a bit.

I spent most of the morning on the farm trying to close the deal and eventually had to make my excuses, explaining that I had another meeting in the afternoon some 50 miles away.

I didn’t name the farmer I was meeting next, but must have given some clues about the farm and its general location. Anyway, the meeting drew to a successful close and I made my way to my next appointment.

On arrival at the second farm, I was warmly greeted by the farmer, who proceeded to tell me everything that had happened at my previous meeting.

I was offered another piece of Christmas cake, along with an proposal to accept similar terms.

The farmer then explained that the first farmer was his wife’s cousin. That was the day I learned that the rural community is very small and that the telephone travels faster than cars.

Stephen Buckley, surveyor, Shrewsbury, Carter Jonas