Will’s World: Rain can’t stop play in my tractor cab
Will Evans © Richard Stanton Wetter than an otter’s pocket. Wetter than a salmon’s Speedos. Wetter than a mermaid’s pool party. Wetter than a submarine’s number plate. Wetter than a well digger’s arse.
Whichever phrase you prefer, they all accurately describe the state of our fields right now, as the never-ending winter drags on into what feels like its 47th month.
See also: Spring drilling: 3 farmers battle to get crops established
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However, very excitingly, during a rare sunny two-day weather window last weekend I did get to drive a tractor on the land for the first time in months, and we managed to put a bit of spring barley into the driest field on the farm.
It’s a good job we took the opportunity, too, as it hasn’t stopped raining since.
Where’s the fitted storage?
Spending some time in a cab again got me thinking about the article I read in Farmers Weekly a few weeks back detailing all the latest must-have tractor upgrades and accessories.
It reminded me of the cult early-noughties reality TV show Pimp My Ride, where contestants would take their old rundown cars into an achingly cool garage in Los Angeles to have them restored and wildly customised.
If you’re reading this, Jeremy Clarkson, there’s the next TV show idea for you – Pimp My Tractor. Call me if you need a co-host.
There were some very tempting options in the FW article, and the one that caught my eye first was the fitted storage boxes.
If there’s one thing we can all complain about on modern tractors, whatever their brand, it’s the lack of places to put things.
A bit of decent space to store your lunchbox, flask and phone charger doesn’t seem much to ask for on a machine that costs about the same as a suburban bungalow.
I don’t know who designs the cab layouts, but I suspect it’s an eight-year-old competition winner.
I liked the customisable stainless-steel mirror and exhaust guards too, though I’m too old for such extravagances now and will leave those to all the young farmer boy-racers.
I wouldn’t mind some tinted windows, so I could return with impunity all those nice hand gestures I get when I’m hedgecutting on the main road. But perhaps it’s better that I don’t indulge.
Horns of plenty
What really got my attention was the air horns, as the standard ones on modern tractors have long been a bugbear of mine.
They’re the equivalent of peak Arnold Schwarzenegger opening his mouth to speak, only to have the voice of Frank Spencer come out. Pathetic.
I’m going to investigate these further, and I’m only hoping they sell ones that play the same tune as the General Lee in The Dukes of Hazzard.
I don’t know who that would make happier – me, or the local villagers on a sleepy Sunday afternoon.
There was one option I was disappointed not to see on the list, as it’s something all middle-aged farmers would benefit from – a heated leather massage chair.
You know, the kind you see in motorway services and secretly long to have a go on but are afraid you’d look a bit of a weirdo if you did.
In the privacy of your own tractor, though, you wouldn’t have to worry about that.
You could turn it up to the max with no fear of judgement about the expression of joy on your face, and the gasps of deep relief as you drive up and down the field.
In an industry plagued with bad backs, that’s got to be a winner. Come on manufacturers, sort it out, will you?